Editor’s Note: We’ve all received spam emails promising huge sums from Nigerian princes and fabulously wealthy foreigners that need you (of all people) to help them invest their vast sums. Humor contributor Dave Alexander decided to see what happens if you took them up on it. The results were hilarious. In an increasingly absurd email exchange that took place over several weeks, Dave turned the table on the scammer. In the end, the con-man realizes he’s the one who is being conned. – tg
It started with an email…
Dear sir — I am a prominent investor who would like to invest in your country… If you have a good project plan that requires funding or looking forward for expansion of existing business, and you know you can handle such transaction, get back to me with your ideas for feasibility study. Looking forward for possible business collaboration. — Best Regards, Koneswaran.
Dear Koneswaran — I have an upcoming mining project that requires funding and looking for expansion. Let me know if you would like to collaborate on a feasibility study.Best Regards, Dave
Dear Mr. Dave — Thanks for your response and your high level business proposal is very nice and sensibility.what will be the requirements and estimated cost? Best Regards, Koneswaran.
Thank you for your savvy business sense to contact me about this.
Dear Koneswaren — I am seeking investors for a diamond mine in the United States. We are currently mining with a pick ax and small tractor but we are seeking a $100,000 investment for a bulldozer, buckets and other mining equipment. We have already discovered 12 great diamonds. If we can secure an investment, we feel that our mine will be among the greatest of all time.Thank you for your savvy business sense to contact me about this. Best Regards, Dave
Dear Mr. Dave –– I am so glad that you have discovered 12 great Diamonds, i suggest that we should secure an investment deal to expand the mining sector. i budgeted over $137,000,000 for projects. I have a joint venture in Malaysia with a Malaysian, a palm plantation and processing plant. And i also invested into some other areas such as tourism and real estate. I am Norwegian. I also work with United Nation… But you have to promise me your confidentiality in the transaction and you have to prove your stands and capacity to handle the funds once i transfer it to your account. i suggest we should have a round table meeting. Sincerely, Koneswaran.
Together we intend to take over the U.S. diamond market
…we plan to appear on the American television series “Shark Tank” and secure an investment deal with Mark Cuban.
Hi Koneswaran — I can tell that you are a great business negotiator. You will be a perfect partner in our mining endeavor. I have included my business partner, CP on this email. He is also an investor in the mining business. He is very good with the pick ax and has been assisting me with the tractor. Together we intend to take over the U.S. diamond market within the next two years.
With your investment we can expedite this process and control the world diamond economy with the next year. With $100,000 we can quickly expand our current mine. With $134,500,000 we can open a mine in each of the U.S. states and quickly expand and open diamond kiosks in every major city.
After this, we plan to appear on the American television series “Shark Tank” and secure an investment deal with Mark Cuban. From here we plan to overtake De Beers and quickly put them out of business with our discount diamond collection.
Each Diamond with be sold for 25% off and we will offer a buy two, get one free special on every major holiday. I assume with you business expertise, you can see the high potential with this plan. Please let me know how you would like to proceed. I am anxious for our round table meeting. Sincerely, Dave
Dear Mr. Dave, I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to partner with you and meet with you for further discussion on our partnership. I have to reiterate that my position remain the same regards the financial position. I will appreciate if you will make all our discussion and transaction confidential due to my position as a public servant, you must agree with me that as a public servant I have limitation therefore i want to confide in you . The $134,500,000 for the project will be made available to you after the meeting with my representatives. My enthusiasm for the interest to work with you were greatly strengthened as a result your commitment to meet. I am confident that we will have a smooth partnership. The money will be transferred to your account after the meeting with my representatives. Best Regards, Koneswaran.
Dear Koneswaran, I have very bad news! Our business partner CP is currently trapped in the mine. It collapsed on him while he was uncovering a large bed of rubies deep underground. I am very worried as he has no food or water. I have been up all night with the rescue team. Attached is a photo of the current situation here at the mine. Please pray for him. It would be very hard to find another miner as great as CP. Do you have any resources with the United Nations that could help us with the rescue? In Mourning, Dave
Dear Dave, It’s a very sad news, i pray he will be alive and safe. Please always keep me update for the latest development on the mining site. And also i will like to have your phone number.
Dear Koneswaran, I have a very troubling update for you. Our good friend CP is dead. His head was mutilated by a flying boulder. The mood is very somber here at the mine. I have attached photo of him being carried away. I thank you for being my closest friend during this terrible tragedy. CP was a great miner, but together we will endure this horrible time and move forward to overtake the world’s diamond business.
Now it is just the two of us. We will split the business 50/50. You will handle the investing, email marketing, and PR. I will take care of the mining, door-to-door sales, and accounting. Together we will be an unstoppable team. Are you available for a Skype video chat to discuss our flourishing business? Optimistically, Dave
Dear Mr. Dave, I am so troubled and saddened with the news you sent to me which i am not expecting. CP has come and gone, GOD you brought him to us and you took him back to be in a special place you prepared for him………… MAY HIS SOUL REST IN PERFECT PEACE, AMEN. Sincerely, Koneswaran.
Love is in the air
Dear Koneswaran, Thank you for your prayers and your sympathy. You are a wonderful lover.
Dear Koneswaran, Thank you for your prayers and your sympathy. You are a wonderful lover. Now, let’s get back to the diamond business. Right before CP was mutilated, he discovered a cavern containing an abundance of alluring diamonds. You can see in the photo that this mine is richer than we ever dreamed. With your permission, I would like to donate a diamond to the family of CP. I feel it would be the right thing to do considering all that he has done for us. His family is grieving and I believe this would be a generous gesture of love from our business. Also, we could write if off as a tax deduction. I will be at the funeral this weekend. I know you are a busy investor, but I feel in my heart that CP would want you here. Please join us if you can make it. I would like to further discuss our business on Monday. I would prefer a chat on Skype or I can give you my phone number. Your Lover, Dave
Dear Mr. Dave, My condolence once again to the family and friends of CP. I will be waiting to hear from you on Monday. Best Regards, Koneswaran.
My Dearest Koneswaran, The funeral was a bitter and lonely time without you. You can see that I decorated my car to pay tribute to the greatest miner who ever lived.
CP’s family is very grateful for the diamond that we presented to them. They are impoverished and have lost their home. Our act of kindness will allow them to pay for the funeral expenses. I realized through this experience that special friends like you and CP are very hard to find.
Koneswaran, you are my dearest love. I believe we have a special bond between us that cannot be broken. Our love and our diamond business will survive any tragedy. Please call me as soon as possible. CP’s pick ax was broken in the mine and we need to discuss replacement options. Yours Forever, Dave
The ‘Roundtable’ Meeting
The final message
After weeks of absurdity, the scammer finally realizes he’s been played. Koneswaran’s final message.
You are a joker, please if you don’t mind you better go to bed if you are jobless. Thanks!
Editors Note: No miners were actually harmed in making this prank. CP is alive and well.